happy new years!...?

so i had a great new years and everyone had a great time...except the moment that i stopped feeling guilted into watching dick clark and then realized that he was doing a show with ryan seacrest as a partner and they could only find cripple 15 year olds to sing for them...okay thats being too mean. the kid was pretty good, but I was so annoyed after changing from channel to channel seeing nothing but the black eyed peas and rihanna (who was probably absolutely miserable). how could you wear an outfit like that? this is how jack and i decided the conversation went:

Scene: snowy stage in times square

Rihanna: "I'm gonna wear a belly shirt because that's what my fans want and i need to retain my image or else my fan base will deteriorate and i won't be famous or beautiful anymore"

Jay Z: sees that it's ten degrees and snowing outside. "I'm gonna wear a coat."

then there's ryan seacrest. apart from him being one of the last people i would want to be hosting the new year on television, he was talking CONSTANTLY. one of the best parts of the nights:

"I'm Ryan Seacrest thanking you for joining us ringing in th.."

Jack: "Go to hell."

so. some suggestions for next years' celebrations (as decided between the oracles ie jack and I)

1. jack white plays a part in every song

2. red hot chili peppers

3. ryan seacrest is nowhere to be found

4. black eyed peas do a maximum of 2 songs (theyre good, but they sung the equivalent of an album)

5. ESPN does something other than a massive jump (theyve done that 2 years in a row now)

6. dick clark is protrayed in a less guilt-ridden manner (every time i see him, I hear about his stroke problems. im like ok now i have to watch him. not out of humor because it's just kind of low to laugh at someone with SO MANY past issues, but out of just a sense of "okay he probably has a million doctors and every day pretty much is him teetering on the edge of becoming a vegetable"- again, i mean this in a nice way. BUT OKAY I DONT WANT TO BE GUILTED INTO WATCHING JUST ONE STATION. come to think of it, that's probably what ryan seacrest was for.

7. if ESPN does do another jump, find a less cracked/red-bulled up driver. then he won't slam it into the other side of the jump, claiming it was frossttt. if he was a REAL DRIVER, frost would melt upon him seeing it. thats what would happen to chuck norris and thats what should HAPPEN.

8. if the female who's on stage singing does not yet have breasts, get her off. like now.

9. after the millions of dollars that go into lighting times square, they should have some kind of countdown integration between all the screens. I would love to see the 10,9,8, etc. explode from the coca cola sign outward along the buildings. like pshwaaa...pshwaaa....pshwaa.... it would be awesome.

10. starting at the second of the new year, all the NYC cops should start doing a choreographed performance of "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang. like Reno except....better. rip off pants are required.

these are just a few suggestions. you know, just liven up the party a bit. of course, if I was in charge of new years, everyone would have taken dance lessons beforehand so we could have the worlds largest choreographed performance of thriller ever. EVER.