A new type of Health Care Bill
From the office of whoever the hell is in charge of this health care thing:
My fellow Americans, it has come to the point that we need to step up our efforts toward the attainment of that which we call "satisfactory health care". When I say we, I mean me. It's not up to you anymore. I have set forth the following goals and I intend to reach them in my efforts to achieve satisfactory "health" "care".
First, I would like to preliminarily (its a word now.) establish what we mean by health care. The definition has become blurred and the term so widespread it's almost at an umbrella status. And we all know what umbrellas do. They close. You know who closes them? Me.
Health care is the support of the physical and mental health of all American citizens. bam.
In order to achieve this support, however, I've laid out a few basic laws that I expect to be adhered to in the strictest degree.
We all know that in order to be physically healthy, we must first be mentally healthy. This is common knowledge at the most basic level, so if you didn't know that, you may benefit greatly from what I'm putting into effect. idiot.
To be mentally healthy, we must be comfortable. That is why I am temporarily shutting down car production under the 100,000 dollar price range and "auditing" the seats. A comfortable seat means a happy man. a happy man means a happy country. and you know what a happy country is? AMERICA.
These seats will be put through the strictest tests to ensure that no one seat is rated under the level of comfort of a warm cozy cat snuggled on a couch next to a rainy window.
Second, mental health must be supported through education. This is a basic factor of any successful health care plan. To achieve this, I have taken things one step further and deepened the comfort level of learning for our country's students. Who wants to read? really? who? What better way to learn than sit in your favorite bean bag chair and have someone read to you? And who better to read to you than Harry Potter audiobook narrator Jim Dale? This is why I have enacted legislation to create thousands of clones of Jim Dale and disperse them to every library in the country where they will be available to anyone who wishes to have a silky smooth, familiar yet traditionally (the word oaky comes to mind) foreign european voice read your english assignment to you. Homework will never be as rewarding, or as healthy.
Third, a basic rule of society is that security must be implemented on all levels. Crime cannot be tolerated in a healthy society. So every American will have a microchip implanted in their brain stem that will, at my discretion, cause them to suffer immeasurable pain, or just die. There's also a sedate option but I believe that a sick person just cannot be helped, and I am more than willing to do society a favor and put the individual and the community at large out of their misery. And they say I don't think of others.
Fourth, money matters. Money problems are at the heart of the majority of mental health deficiencies, and it is for this reason that I am banning money. It's just easier and I don't have to worry about it. Done. Now that was easy.
Fifth, a divergence from the main material. Earmarks. I prefer to call them battle scars of the bill. battle scars are the mark of a true, weathered nation. and what's politics without a little corruption? It would put my brain-fryer out of commission. Besides, that one cancer hospital in the middle of Nevada needs money. Who cares about what it actually gets done? No rankings or cures mister senator? here's a federal grant. youre WELCOME.
Sixth. Mental health is greatly increased with an obscenely heavy application of alcohol. Now you answer this: what type of citizens can be classified as the most mentally deficient? Babies. The most efficient use of this liquid medicinal resource that I can think of (and thus anyone since...well...its me..) is to pump as much alcohol into those little suckers as possible. Health risks? How about health risks? of NOT doing this? Its a no brainer. Some may say that forcing this bringer of mental health upon an infant's cerebellum will have long-term side-effects. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but to be perfectly honest, their moms were taking down bottles of Triple Sec at 8 months pregnant. Now you tell me that's not already preparing these little guys for my treatment ANYWAY.
So there you have it. A health care bill for a king. Except the only king here we're serving has so many things to worry about that a proper health care bill is minimal compared to the challenges he faces. You know who that king is? America.
Next week, my military strategy for the world.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Abercrombie & Fitch
Am I the only person who absolutely cannot stand these stores? I hadn't been in one of them for a couple years but I went in one today looking for some college clothes. This store was offensive on so many levels.
1) It smells like douchebag, and not just subtly. I understand that some girls find the scent nice, but seriously? There's so much of it that it's almost visible. They might as well have put it in the ventilation
2) Why do I have to yell at the person 2 feet from me? I understand that 13 year old girls like the ear diarrhea they call music that's playing in the store, but it's about 10 decibels too loud for a club, so you do the math for a clothing store. And can they at least play a song or two that's been around for more than a week? I have enough faith in people to think that they'll remember a song released in the past if it's, you know, actually decent.
3) I don't like seeing guys' nipples everywhere I turn. Call me old fashioned, but doesn't it seem odd that a clothing store's models don't have any clothes on? I get that they're trying to sell sex or whatever, but sex is the last thing I'm thinking about when I look up from a pile of shirts and end up starting at some larger-than-life dude's crotch.
4) 4 pairs of Levi jeans at Target cost the same as 1 pair of jeans at A&F. Guess which option I chose? I can't believe they have the audacity to charge that much for jeans. These are the things that farmers used to wear...
5) Get that damn moose head out of the store. That mascot made sense when A&F made items for explorers and hardcore hikers a century ago. A store full of preppy hipsters and cheerleaders with walls covered in naked models and $100 shirts should by no means have a moose head in it. You know why I know that? There were cobwebs and dust on it. Hmm
Ok I'm done ranting. But seriously, A&F sucks.
This was the first thing that came up on google images...ya
1) It smells like douchebag, and not just subtly. I understand that some girls find the scent nice, but seriously? There's so much of it that it's almost visible. They might as well have put it in the ventilation
2) Why do I have to yell at the person 2 feet from me? I understand that 13 year old girls like the ear diarrhea they call music that's playing in the store, but it's about 10 decibels too loud for a club, so you do the math for a clothing store. And can they at least play a song or two that's been around for more than a week? I have enough faith in people to think that they'll remember a song released in the past if it's, you know, actually decent.
3) I don't like seeing guys' nipples everywhere I turn. Call me old fashioned, but doesn't it seem odd that a clothing store's models don't have any clothes on? I get that they're trying to sell sex or whatever, but sex is the last thing I'm thinking about when I look up from a pile of shirts and end up starting at some larger-than-life dude's crotch.
4) 4 pairs of Levi jeans at Target cost the same as 1 pair of jeans at A&F. Guess which option I chose? I can't believe they have the audacity to charge that much for jeans. These are the things that farmers used to wear...
5) Get that damn moose head out of the store. That mascot made sense when A&F made items for explorers and hardcore hikers a century ago. A store full of preppy hipsters and cheerleaders with walls covered in naked models and $100 shirts should by no means have a moose head in it. You know why I know that? There were cobwebs and dust on it. Hmm
Ok I'm done ranting. But seriously, A&F sucks.
This was the first thing that came up on google images...ya
Sunday, September 13, 2009
My Hiatus Is on Hiatus
So I haven't posted in a while, partly because I'm lazy and partly because I've been in an apathetic malaise since everyone left for college while I'm stuck in Westchester til October. But nevermind all that, it's time for another post!
Before I do anything original I need a warmup so I'll do a similar post to Dan's and compare my daily routine as of last friday.
7:45 - my mom wakes me
7:47 - I convince myself I can rest 5 more minutes
7:50 - my dad comes in to make sure I'm up. I'm not
7:51 - my dad wakes me again
7:52 - I convince myself I can rest 5 more minutes
8:05 - I wonder what I have to do today. Probably nothing
8:15 - I wake up in a panic realizing that just like every other weekday, I have work
8:16 - I convince myself I can rest 5 more minutes
8:20 - I wake up and realize that I should already be out of the shower
8:24 - I get out of my painfully short shower and get dressed
8:30 - I grab a handful of almonds and some gum and pretend it's a decent breakfast
8:36 - I get into my car and realize that I forgot to charge my radio hookup for my iPod. No music today...
8:37 - my car still says "coolant low, stop engine" but it's been like that for a few months and nothing bad's happened yet so whatever
8:42 - Making great time today
8:43 - "Are you serious? Are you really doing this? I HAVE TO GET TO WORK GET OUT OF WAY YOU STUPID GARBAGE TRUCK"
8:45 - I get fed up waiting for this stupid garbage truck and go in the oncoming traffic lane to pass it. don't tell me you wouldn't do the same...
8:53 - "Are you serious? You're making a left on post road? Really? REALLY?"
8:58 - The guy in front of me finishes making his left turn
9:00 - I get to work
9:04 - I realize that like the past week, my boss will be out again. Having a baby takes priority, apparently
9:06 - Since he didn't leave me any work and isn't checking his email, I have nothing to do today
9:08 - YES, I have nothing to do today
9:09 - Shit, I have to sit in front of this computer for 8 hours and pretend to do something
9:15 - My icon arrangement is perfect
9:20 - My email settings are perfect
10:00 - I just built a tower out of sticky notes!
10:15 - I just shelled and ate 27 peanuts
10:40 - I just shelled and ate another 24 peanuts, this is disgusting
11:15 - I could go to lunch now, but then I'll have 6 hours with no break
11:16 - More peanuts
11:25 - Great, my other boss (who doesn't have any work for me), just caught me texting on my blackberry.
11:28 - Well he didn't say anything about it, so maybe he thought I was doing something work related. victory
11:25 - OK he just walked in again and I was texting again, he definitely knows I'm not working
12:00 - LUNCH!!!
12:05 - Should I get gross Chinese food, gross Caribbean food, or Subway?
12:10 - I've tried literally every subway sandwich combination they offer. I don't know if this is impressive or pathetic
12:30 - Yay, back in the office!
12:32 - I have 5 hours left and I still have no work to do
12:34 - I'm checking where Dan is using Google latitudes
12:35 - Dan why are you always in your dorm? go to class
12:45 - Do you think anyone would notice if I just left?
12:47 - Would I have anything to do if I just left?
5:30 - Freedom!
5:38 - "Are you serious? Get out of the road! There are 5 police cars and a firetruck parked in the middle of post road just to get a cat out of a tree? Really, Larchmont PD? Really?"
6:00 - I'm home and there are so many..things...to.....do....not really
6:30 - well dinner took up some time
6:32 - I check collegehumor and cracked and read my daily webcomics
6:53 - I go on aim
6:55 - Oh he's on....
6:56 - I sign off aim
7:00 - I could poop, that'll be mildly entertaining and waste some time
7:05 - OK now what...
11:00 - Honestly, I have no idea what I've done for the past 4 hours
11:03 - I get a snack and talk to my parents
11:45 - I could go to sleep, OR I could waste 2 more hours on the internet
1:45 - I look at the time and dramatically groan
1:46 - 2 more weeks...zzz
Hmm...that was sort of depressing
O well, I'm finished with work and now I get to pack and shop and do other cool stuff related to college so that'll be nice
Expect more posts, because I have a ton of time to kill now
Before I do anything original I need a warmup so I'll do a similar post to Dan's and compare my daily routine as of last friday.
7:45 - my mom wakes me
7:47 - I convince myself I can rest 5 more minutes
7:50 - my dad comes in to make sure I'm up. I'm not
7:51 - my dad wakes me again
7:52 - I convince myself I can rest 5 more minutes
8:05 - I wonder what I have to do today. Probably nothing
8:15 - I wake up in a panic realizing that just like every other weekday, I have work
8:16 - I convince myself I can rest 5 more minutes
8:20 - I wake up and realize that I should already be out of the shower
8:24 - I get out of my painfully short shower and get dressed
8:30 - I grab a handful of almonds and some gum and pretend it's a decent breakfast
8:36 - I get into my car and realize that I forgot to charge my radio hookup for my iPod. No music today...
8:37 - my car still says "coolant low, stop engine" but it's been like that for a few months and nothing bad's happened yet so whatever
8:42 - Making great time today
8:43 - "Are you serious? Are you really doing this? I HAVE TO GET TO WORK GET OUT OF WAY YOU STUPID GARBAGE TRUCK"
8:45 - I get fed up waiting for this stupid garbage truck and go in the oncoming traffic lane to pass it. don't tell me you wouldn't do the same...
8:53 - "Are you serious? You're making a left on post road? Really? REALLY?"
8:58 - The guy in front of me finishes making his left turn
9:00 - I get to work
9:04 - I realize that like the past week, my boss will be out again. Having a baby takes priority, apparently
9:06 - Since he didn't leave me any work and isn't checking his email, I have nothing to do today
9:08 - YES, I have nothing to do today
9:09 - Shit, I have to sit in front of this computer for 8 hours and pretend to do something
9:15 - My icon arrangement is perfect
9:20 - My email settings are perfect
10:00 - I just built a tower out of sticky notes!
10:15 - I just shelled and ate 27 peanuts
10:40 - I just shelled and ate another 24 peanuts, this is disgusting
11:15 - I could go to lunch now, but then I'll have 6 hours with no break
11:16 - More peanuts
11:25 - Great, my other boss (who doesn't have any work for me), just caught me texting on my blackberry.
11:28 - Well he didn't say anything about it, so maybe he thought I was doing something work related. victory
11:25 - OK he just walked in again and I was texting again, he definitely knows I'm not working
12:00 - LUNCH!!!
12:05 - Should I get gross Chinese food, gross Caribbean food, or Subway?
12:10 - I've tried literally every subway sandwich combination they offer. I don't know if this is impressive or pathetic
12:30 - Yay, back in the office!
12:32 - I have 5 hours left and I still have no work to do
12:34 - I'm checking where Dan is using Google latitudes
12:35 - Dan why are you always in your dorm? go to class
12:45 - Do you think anyone would notice if I just left?
12:47 - Would I have anything to do if I just left?
5:30 - Freedom!
5:38 - "Are you serious? Get out of the road! There are 5 police cars and a firetruck parked in the middle of post road just to get a cat out of a tree? Really, Larchmont PD? Really?"
6:00 - I'm home and there are so many..things...to.....do....not really
6:30 - well dinner took up some time
6:32 - I check collegehumor and cracked and read my daily webcomics
6:53 - I go on aim
6:55 - Oh he's on....
6:56 - I sign off aim
7:00 - I could poop, that'll be mildly entertaining and waste some time
7:05 - OK now what...
11:00 - Honestly, I have no idea what I've done for the past 4 hours
11:03 - I get a snack and talk to my parents
11:45 - I could go to sleep, OR I could waste 2 more hours on the internet
1:45 - I look at the time and dramatically groan
1:46 - 2 more weeks...zzz
Hmm...that was sort of depressing
O well, I'm finished with work and now I get to pack and shop and do other cool stuff related to college so that'll be nice
Expect more posts, because I have a ton of time to kill now
My mondays
8:00: wake up from alarm set with intention to go for a run
8:00:01: snooze
8:05: change snooze settings to 30 minute intervals. snooze.
8:35: mentally push all commitments forward another half hour. snooze.
9:05: shit. class in 25 minutes. get up
9:10: leave dorm, bring raspberry yogurt "fruit on the bottom"
9:15: timing my yogurt bites to have the cup empty by the time i get to the garbage outside the classroom, but while still leaving enough to be able to be continuously eaten until i reach it.
9:17: fail with the yogurt bite challenge. cup empty.
9:20: get to class
10:45: half hour between classes. downstairs is a food court. godsend. buy a large (starbucks.yeah.) coffee and get a nutrigrain bar from my bag
11:15: class starts
12:05: walk to another class, get there, bla bla
3:20 CLASSES END
3:30: choir rehearsal
4:45: get back to dorm, contemplate what to do for the next 9 hours
4:46: realize ive watched the entire XMen DVD box set id rented from the library. mental note. rent another box set.
4:47: SBARROS!!
4:50: in line in the food court. SMOOTHIES.
4:52: in line again. STIR FRY! another mental note. stir fry for dinner.
5:00: bed looks comfortable. get in with super slice of meat lovers and a small caesar salad, watch hulu
5:30: damn. its 5:30. econ homework.
6:30: workout, rent 24 season two
7:30: SBARROS!!!!!!
7:31: damn. forgot stir fry. already bought sbarros. though i am really hungry
7:32: in line with stir fry. SNICKERS ICE CREAM.
7:40: get back to room, realize i got too much food
8:00: i can't believe i just ate everything
8:05: party at mcnutt
8:25: partys a bust. why did i walk this far for a sausagefest with bad music
8:30: ANOTHER PARTY!! spirit shattered. no more parties tonight.
8:50: get back to room, hang out in someones room
9:20: computer..lame..
10:00: leave to go play piano
10:45: random crap til midnight
12:00: i should go to sleep
1:00: i should go to sleep
2:00: im drooling in front of my computer. time to go to bed. im gonna hate myself in the morning. damn i havent showered
2:10: in the shower. relaxing. someone just hocked a loogy. not relaxing anymore.
2:11: (insert the recollection of everything i forgot to do today)
2:30: at the computer sending apologetic emails to people i never emailed or met up with
2:35: in bed. set alarm. maybe ill take a run in the morning.
8:00:01: snooze
8:05: change snooze settings to 30 minute intervals. snooze.
8:35: mentally push all commitments forward another half hour. snooze.
9:05: shit. class in 25 minutes. get up
9:10: leave dorm, bring raspberry yogurt "fruit on the bottom"
9:15: timing my yogurt bites to have the cup empty by the time i get to the garbage outside the classroom, but while still leaving enough to be able to be continuously eaten until i reach it.
9:17: fail with the yogurt bite challenge. cup empty.
9:20: get to class
10:45: half hour between classes. downstairs is a food court. godsend. buy a large (starbucks.yeah.) coffee and get a nutrigrain bar from my bag
11:15: class starts
12:05: walk to another class, get there, bla bla
3:20 CLASSES END
3:30: choir rehearsal
4:45: get back to dorm, contemplate what to do for the next 9 hours
4:46: realize ive watched the entire XMen DVD box set id rented from the library. mental note. rent another box set.
4:47: SBARROS!!
4:50: in line in the food court. SMOOTHIES.
4:52: in line again. STIR FRY! another mental note. stir fry for dinner.
5:00: bed looks comfortable. get in with super slice of meat lovers and a small caesar salad, watch hulu
5:30: damn. its 5:30. econ homework.
6:30: workout, rent 24 season two
7:30: SBARROS!!!!!!
7:31: damn. forgot stir fry. already bought sbarros. though i am really hungry
7:32: in line with stir fry. SNICKERS ICE CREAM.
7:40: get back to room, realize i got too much food
8:00: i can't believe i just ate everything
8:05: party at mcnutt
8:25: partys a bust. why did i walk this far for a sausagefest with bad music
8:30: ANOTHER PARTY!! spirit shattered. no more parties tonight.
8:50: get back to room, hang out in someones room
9:20: computer..lame..
10:00: leave to go play piano
10:45: random crap til midnight
12:00: i should go to sleep
1:00: i should go to sleep
2:00: im drooling in front of my computer. time to go to bed. im gonna hate myself in the morning. damn i havent showered
2:10: in the shower. relaxing. someone just hocked a loogy. not relaxing anymore.
2:11: (insert the recollection of everything i forgot to do today)
2:30: at the computer sending apologetic emails to people i never emailed or met up with
2:35: in bed. set alarm. maybe ill take a run in the morning.
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