my idea of politics

A new type of Health Care Bill

From the office of whoever the hell is in charge of this health care thing:

My fellow Americans, it has come to the point that we need to step up our efforts toward the attainment of that which we call "satisfactory health care". When I say we, I mean me. It's not up to you anymore. I have set forth the following goals and I intend to reach them in my efforts to achieve satisfactory "health" "care".

First, I would like to preliminarily (its a word now.) establish what we mean by health care. The definition has become blurred and the term so widespread it's almost at an umbrella status. And we all know what umbrellas do. They close. You know who closes them? Me.
Health care is the support of the physical and mental health of all American citizens. bam.
In order to achieve this support, however, I've laid out a few basic laws that I expect to be adhered to in the strictest degree.

We all know that in order to be physically healthy, we must first be mentally healthy. This is common knowledge at the most basic level, so if you didn't know that, you may benefit greatly from what I'm putting into effect. idiot.

To be mentally healthy, we must be comfortable. That is why I am temporarily shutting down car production under the 100,000 dollar price range and "auditing" the seats. A comfortable seat means a happy man. a happy man means a happy country. and you know what a happy country is? AMERICA.
These seats will be put through the strictest tests to ensure that no one seat is rated under the level of comfort of a warm cozy cat snuggled on a couch next to a rainy window.

Second, mental health must be supported through education. This is a basic factor of any successful health care plan. To achieve this, I have taken things one step further and deepened the comfort level of learning for our country's students. Who wants to read? really? who? What better way to learn than sit in your favorite bean bag chair and have someone read to you? And who better to read to you than Harry Potter audiobook narrator Jim Dale? This is why I have enacted legislation to create thousands of clones of Jim Dale and disperse them to every library in the country where they will be available to anyone who wishes to have a silky smooth, familiar yet traditionally (the word oaky comes to mind) foreign european voice read your english assignment to you. Homework will never be as rewarding, or as healthy.

Third, a basic rule of society is that security must be implemented on all levels. Crime cannot be tolerated in a healthy society. So every American will have a microchip implanted in their brain stem that will, at my discretion, cause them to suffer immeasurable pain, or just die. There's also a sedate option but I believe that a sick person just cannot be helped, and I am more than willing to do society a favor and put the individual and the community at large out of their misery. And they say I don't think of others.

Fourth, money matters. Money problems are at the heart of the majority of mental health deficiencies, and it is for this reason that I am banning money. It's just easier and I don't have to worry about it. Done. Now that was easy.

Fifth, a divergence from the main material. Earmarks. I prefer to call them battle scars of the bill. battle scars are the mark of a true, weathered nation. and what's politics without a little corruption? It would put my brain-fryer out of commission. Besides, that one cancer hospital in the middle of Nevada needs money. Who cares about what it actually gets done? No rankings or cures mister senator? here's a federal grant. youre WELCOME.

Sixth. Mental health is greatly increased with an obscenely heavy application of alcohol. Now you answer this: what type of citizens can be classified as the most mentally deficient? Babies. The most efficient use of this liquid medicinal resource that I can think of (and thus anyone since...well...its me..) is to pump as much alcohol into those little suckers as possible. Health risks? How about health risks? of NOT doing this? Its a no brainer. Some may say that forcing this bringer of mental health upon an infant's cerebellum will have long-term side-effects. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but to be perfectly honest, their moms were taking down bottles of Triple Sec at 8 months pregnant. Now you tell me that's not already preparing these little guys for my treatment ANYWAY.

So there you have it. A health care bill for a king. Except the only king here we're serving has so many things to worry about that a proper health care bill is minimal compared to the challenges he faces. You know who that king is? America.

Next week, my military strategy for the world.