MORALE BOOSTER

People don't compliment people often enough. so im here to make your day a little more bearable.
When youre walking down the street, feeling like youre just another guy in the crowd, think of this: nobody in that crowd is the exact same height as you. people who are shorter than you are immature, undeveloped, and otherwise incompetent. people who are taller than you are arrogant and unjustifiedly priveleged. now if youre the tallest person in the group, forget what i said. you have dominance. everyone else is your minion because height designates authority. all you have to do in order to feel better is stand in a crowd watching people hustle about listening to yakety sax on your ipod. you are awesome.
when you get to work you head to your cubicle in the corner. the light above it just burnt out. you saw it burn out. that's rare and you are priveleged to have seen such an occurrence. and its one of those flourescent lights. they usually just flicker annoyingly and never go out so its even more impressive. you are so blessed. you sit down at your dimly lit desk and make that promise to yourself that today is different and youre gonna get ahead in life. well guess what junior? today IS different and you ARE. that promotion? a mere breadbasket in a life of waiting treasures. you sit down and get to work. that keyboard has never seen a faster set of strokes. you are the xylophone player in khachaturian's sabre dance and youre not breaking a SWEAT! these powers of productivity will forever be in your posession and you now know how to WIELD THEM
lunch time! The calluses on your fingers are trophies of what will prove to be the pivotal moment in your professional career: your collegues will sit crying at night staring at their feeble and lame fingers while youre doing pinky pushups. but enough of this: you're hungry. now your hunger cannot be satisfied by the mediocre New York street gyro cart. your feeling of famine will not be relieved by a mere McDonalds. you will go to Gordon Ramsey's Paris restaurant, alone, and eat your meal in a serene environment. while you do this, mr. ramsey will come out and tell you what a wonderful cook you are. he can tell talent from a mile away and you EMMINATE the essence of COOK.
after lunch, you return to your office. the light above your desk has somehow come back on but it's flickering really fast. you hate flourescent lights. how the hell do they make bulbs that are burnt out one moment and work the next? if we cant have consistency in this world what CAN we have? you feel like youre in a club under a strobe light, except youre in an office. this will not do. you throw your stapler in the light. no big deal. the shower of glass comes down on your papers. this mess is not acceptable. you want a new office.
you go to your boss's office. you already know his answer but society is only challenging you to see how far you will go to get what you want. you know what? how dare life? how dare it? screw your boss! screw the system! you don't need it! so you attack your boss. you bring some of the glass shards from your now (consistently) dark desktop and jam them into his neck. its nothing personal its just what you want. and you GOT what you want. a new office! your boss's office to be exact. the bloodstains will have to do, you don't mind. the police are here. this is not acceptable. you attack them. unfortunately they have guns and they shoot you down. but this does not stop you! you jump out onto the ledge outside the window to avoid the gunfire. but only to do this though- youre not trying to escape. that would be cowardly. you scoot over to the next room's window. THEYRE ALREADY THERE OH NO you lose your balance and start to fall backward. but you have perfect balance. you catch yourself. but you can't feel your fingers from the calluses and sores on your fingertips and the loss of circulation due to your seventeen (awesome) gunshot wounds to the torso and arms. your forearms are shattered but that doesnt stop you. the nerves in your arms are severed so you cannot therefore tell that youre slipping from the concrete ledge youre holding onto. but you already know this. cuz youre awesome. you pull yourself up but there's a cop already there. he shoots you in the head and you fall off the building. apart from seeing yourself fall to the ground you can't feel anything else. it's okay though because in one day you successfully conquered a crowd, met gordon ramsey, got a promotion, and discovered a faster way to get carpel tunnel. if only everyone was this awesome. oh theres the ground.