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neo-philosophy (you'll get it)

so in the matrix (get it?), if the architect is so powerful and awesome, why couldnt he have had a juice bar in his room of tv's? or a simple jacuzzi? surely not something that would be out of his way- him being the master and creator of the entire universe. i mean he just has the chair. or is the chair ALSO a juice bar? or is THERE NO CHAIR AT ALL? LIKE THERE'S NO SPOON??!? by that logic there's no room at all. and the architect doesn't exist. unless he's plugged into the matrix from somewhere else, in which case he's probably a really old fat guy in his living room really fucking shit up for everyone.


Will It Blend? Yes! Unless you have any inkling of faith in humanity, in which case no. Which is paradoxical because as soon as you realize you can't have that strawberry banana smoothie you've been looking forward to because your blender doesn't have the torque to chop ice, you begin to lose complete faith in the existence and continuation of the human species, at which point the blender will start working, but you won't be in the mood. so if you're PLANNING on buying a blender, expect to contemplate suicide within a week of opening the box.

some things to ponder

if i were a child axe murderer, would you still kidnap me?

if you were a kidnapper, wouldnt you be on the same team as a child axe murderer?

i have trouble looking at nature pictures ppl take in normal areas. like a bench. if you want to connect, then go outside.

we should invent something cooler than plates and cups. theyre too bland. something like an antigravitational forcefield that challenges us to glop up balls of liquid like in the movies. id enjoy eating so much more.

everything in life should be made of curves for one day. no straight lines. period.

clear paint is the most obvious idea ever.

they have compound nouns, but what about compound prepositions? ABOVETOTHERIGHTOF

have you ever smashed a coffee mug against the wall? no? you're a fatass.

september 11th

today commemorates the terrorist attacks. but thats depressing. so. in other news...
many of my classes are OBSCENELY complicated in the sense that every time i try to figure out what FREAKISHLY large textbook i need to read, i get into an APOCALYPTICALLY MUNDANE chapter and then realize, wait a minute im supposed to be working from the lab manual, not the textbook. then i sort of DIE a little inside. but alls fair in love and war. wait until my teachers find out that I'm actually a course evaluator and have direct influence on their pension. now who's laughing, bitch?
i reorganized my room so that my bed directly faces the screen. so now i can...do homework...and stuff.. from my bed! eureka. i also moved the wine to my nightstand. EUREKA!
you may have noticed the slight change of theme in the blog. google has new themes so i looked through and saw nature stuff and i think to myself aww nature what a bunch of pussy themes. then it relaxed me and now its rainy on the website. speaking of rain, bloomington(where i live) hasnt gotten rain in a month until lastnight. i dont understand. they call it a drought but i think that the world is finally cracking down on its exercise routine. ever heard of a crash diet? well mother earth is finally blasting the flab. it's not global warming, people. it's simply good discipline.
I BOUGHT CHERRY TOMATOES I LOVE CHERRY TOMATOES.
my mom sent me a rug in the mail. and im glad she did because its super fluffy. i just dont usually think of carpets as the first thing you would send a college student. i usually think of videogames, alcohol, maybe cooking supplies (not food, just like pots and pans. its actually a problem when you first move into an apartment..), and of course candy. rugs? definitely loved but not expected.
i got an ipod. finally. ive had a nano but its terrifically annoying when i want to listen to a song from it and its not there. or when the battery runs out because ive had it for so long. so i spent the money and got a new one and now im pulling it out of my pocket to change from chopin to beastie boys simply to enjoy the complete random obscure change in genre, something i didn't have, and at the same time hoping someone would see me with a new ipod. but every time i do that i come to the same sad realization that im so behind the 8 ball in getting an ipod that everyone has one and is used to it. well you know what i have to say to that? mine's better, world. suck it.
i started to have quizzes this week. and you know what i say about quizzes.




fuck em.


i got into my yoga class and as hard it is to say that in text without sounding gay, im happy about it. cuz its before my classes and its like when you wake up from a nap and have an epic stretch, extended over the timespan of an hour. of course theyre gonna start making it harder so that'll suck, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
for now, alveedozay. enjoy the nature scene template.

dan. (russell.)

day before classes

its the night before the first day of classes and I thought, "hey this would be a good time to write down my thoughts". So. This summer has been both long and short. Long in the sense that I've been out of school since the first week of May and short in the same sense that everyone else says its short- noone really wants to go back to classes. That being said, I am looking forward to having a bit of structure in my life, not to mention something to do. I've been really fidgety lately.
There have been ALOT of parties the last couple days. Unlike my position a year ago, I know people now and there isnt enough time to go to all the parties. This is a good thing. At the present moment, however, I have piles of books at my feet waiting to be opened tomorrow. Damn
This year I decided to feng shui the crap out of my room. Fortunately I killed two birds with one relatively inexpensive stone cuz really all i had to do was buy some deliciously smelling things at Target and Bed Bath and Kitchen (That's really all the beyond part is, really.) and candles. So while im extremely relaxed and drinking from the wine decanter that I also bought under the facade of being feng shui but really just because I've wanted a wine decanter since I read jack's parents Wine Enthusiast magazine, I can easily bring a hotass girl back and have an awesomely sexual evening. Boom. Beat that, martha stewart.
One shortfall of having candles in your room. actually two. one is it's illegal, and two, if you're leaving your room quickly and you blow out a macintosh spice yankee candle then grab your laptop forgetting there are still wires connected, you WILL knock the candle off your desk and you WILL spray hot, red wax all over your wall, dresser, and those fancy expensive headphones you bought just to enjoy and then take back before the return policy expires. the best part about that is that the building is new and at the end of the year they're gonna inspect my wall and think i killed someone. but i guess whats done is done
im still on the waitlist for yoga. but im going anyway.
im getting surprisingly good at cooking. ive actually looked up recipes- for example, the other day i found a delicious looking recipe for chicken, went to the STORE to pick up the ingredients i didnt have, then MADE IT and it tasted DELICIOUS. that being said itd be nice to have a servant/woman.

McGravis the Puffer is On His Way

food for thought

so (the word i probably most usually start a post with)

ive been extremely bored recently, being home and all with nothing to do other than drive around and get lots of coffee with friends. so i said to myself, what would dan do? this time i let myself down. i went to a bookstore. A BOOKSTORE. and didnt even buy an awesome book. i bought PLATO'S REPUBLIC. before i go any further, let me just say i know what youre all thinking. what the hell. i know. i thought the same thing as i was checking out, but i needed some kind of synapse stimulus so i went with this. and i have to say its quite the brain bender- the first chapter blew my mind and i came across a sentence at one point that i had to stare at for like 10 minutes. then i was like OMG. thats one of the more embarrassing moments but STILL. anyway ive found other things to do since. like AVATAR BLURAY. its awesome.

yeah i still dont have a job. it sucks. I WANT MONEY. money is good. i have a plan for money for next summer but unfortunately not this one. the stock market kind of blows cock recently too so thats a bust. guess i have to sell guns and drugs. i hear the biggest markets are california and jamaica (too soon?.......nahh) ba-doom-cha.

ok so here are my job options:

1. sell clothes at vineyard vines. again.

2. fill divots on a golf course for 20 hours a week

3. odd jobs on weekends for 12 bucks an hour

4. sell my body

numbers 2 and 3 are kind of my favorites but 4 is slowly creeping its way to the top. oh and most of those options are from craigslist. so they may just filter down to number 4 anyway...well see.

im thinking of getting an ipad. u know that new giant ipad touch? that half the world hates and half the world loves? well i dont "love" it but i think its pretty awesome. i mean imagine how convenient it would be when u go take a crap. YOU NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO ON YOUR PHONE ANYWAY. this should be a required installation in ever bathroom. you could check up on the news, watch iron man, buy a new album, all while ur....doing the do.do. hahh

another practical application would be to use it as a GIANT lighter at concerts and blow everyone else out of the park. cuz you have super zippo and they all have their pussy phones. suckers.

the next thing im about to say is going to gross a third of you out, make a third of you jealous, and the other third will just be indifferent. next semester, along with all my other classes, im signed up for freaking yoga. its gonna be awesome. cuz NO GUYS TAKE YOGA. probably for reasons ill discover later but still. thats in the bag. dunk and score. the eagle is in its nest. i stand proud, so you can take it or leave it. im gonna be a ninja soon enough so you better take it.

its summer!

PARTTY

Theo's Introduction

my autobiography

i was born on may 24th, 1991 in hinsdale illinois. i lived there for 8 years until we moved to the east coast. when we got there, hurricane floyd was passing through and all i kept thinking was that the east coast sucks cuz it rains so much. but then it ended and i was like nomg a sky.

years passed and i enjoyed gradeschool sometimes. there were ups and downs. the ups were times like whenever i did something that was frowned upon by any teacher. looking back i liken teachers (at least younger ones) to cops. they were beaten up as kids so they held a grudge their entire lives and decided to take it out on kids 30 years younger than they are for horrible experiences in their own past. and its a catholic private school so they have free reign to be dicks about it. but thats just me. the worse times occurred usually right before lunch when it took all my considerable skill and cunning to sneak potato chips from the bag in my pocket into my mouth when the math teachers back was turned. this turned into quite a regular event for me, and as a result all my friends counted on a chip or two in math class before lunch. recess was alright. i usually played wall ball with the guys or four square with the girls. which of course made me look gay because you never hang out with the girls in grade school unless youre talking about the manliest thing possible. such as dodgeball or who can climb the tree fastest.

summers came and went and i found myself in high school. the summer before freshman year i had a class at rcds for spanish. it felt kind of like school, but i could walk around without someone watching me. and i could go to the bathroom without asking. and i could wear what i wanted. and i had the ability to skip a class. it felt great. so i did all those things, maybe save for the skipping class part (there was only one class afterall). i think that was the beginning of my slightly "rebellious" phase. a phase that has never really ended, but i stopped being kind of a douche about it. anyway. high school started and within the first month i was completely behind in all my classes, grades sucked, mr kyle (the dean) basically hated me, my parents and advisor were breathing down my neck and i was on the cross country team. first things first, quit the cross country team. if not out of the need to get better grades, then out of principle. why i did that for almost 3 years in a row i have no idea. you basically....run. thats it. and its taken me until TODAY to get over that hate. ive just started running again. but now im not racing homoerotic men with short shorts through the woods so i can say i ran an 18 minute 5K. no, no. im running through sorority row with my shirt off. now thats better. i digress. so high school was a doozy for my first year. i picked up the pace by the end of the year. ended up with probably one A (choir..) alot of Bs and id imagine some C's. not too great. sophomore year was probably better than freshman year in that i kind of knew what to expect, but i still didnt really get "it". nothing really important happened sophomore year except for the pope dying, a shitload of terrorist attacks (according to wikipedia) and e-coli infested spinach. other than that nothing really. junior year rolls around and thats what i was dreading. okaay so the college process is right around the corner. so what. sooo... endless classes for SAT testing, i have to get good grades for applications, keep doing stuff outside of school. basically every horrible thing you can think of was packed into junior year. it basically sucked other than some remote good times with friends. having friends helps because you always have someone who is suffering with you. and talking about how much life sucks with a friend can only yield good results. one of which is a suicide buddy. nevertheless, junior year ended finally and it was off to the summer. the last 2 summers were basically me either taking classes or sitting around at home cuz i wasnt old enough for a job. well now i was and i wanted money. so i was ambitious, creative, disciplined, and good looking in the process to find a job. and you know where it landed me? as a camp counselor. yep. i was in charge of a group of like 18 young teenage boys. this is like ages 12 and 13. the age where you become the dick youre meant to be in life. except you havent learned that society doesnt like douchebags so it's completely uncensored. you don't listen, you do your own thing, you act like youre the bomb and everyone else should look up to you cuz youre the tallest person out of the group of campers. reality check: youre 13 years old, none of your body parts are in proportion, you still sound like an 8 year old, and youre being a jerk to just about everything and everyone you encounter. do expect that people will respect you? well you shouldnt. needless to say I didn't like being a camp counsellor. though i had some friends to do it with, so i always had a suicide buddy. BUT. i had a backup plan. i had been applying (before i worked at the camp) for a job at a local clothing store that will remain nameless for the sake of my dignity. long story short i got the job and it was much better in every aspect. people were nice, i enjoyed the air conditioning, they even let me dress up as a giant pink whale. not a fact that i enjoyed at the time but a great story now. now that you probably know where i worked, shut the fuck up.

senior year rolled around and i was so pumped. all i ever heard about it was partying, going out all the time, forgetting about school, etc. etc. wrong. you still have to work your ass off for the first semester AT LEAST. that wasnt so bad though. the testing was over and i could rest my head. for the next couple months it was basically same old story, except we were seniors so life was that more awesome. once second semester rolled around, however, things were different. whether or not people still needed to keep grades up, we still went out. because all those awesome things we heard about seinor year would have gone down the drain if we just kept working and working. so we stopped working. correct choice my friends. so it was basically everything we heard about- parties, staying up late, parents dont really care, etc etc. college admissions rolled around and i admit i was pretty happy with the results. i cant remember what they were but i did have options (still pretty bummed about the upenn rejection tho.) regardless, i loved IU and decided to go there. fastforward through an awesome summer lifeguarding, chilling with friends, goodbyes, etc. that would take too long to reminisce about (although thats the point of an autobiography)

COLLEGE started. woot. let me begin by saying that it was more awesome than i thought it would be. i felt no homesickness because i had just been exiting from one of those "i have to get out of this place" phases. so it was good timing and once we all said goodbye, i was on my own. first thing i did was buy a giant stereo. that was awesome. second thing i did was buy a shitload of food. that was also awesome. third thing i did was go out and party. that was ALSO awesome. then the classes came. i did well but we wont talk about that cuz its boring and vain. so it was time for thanksgiving and all i wanted to do was go home. the whole "im on my own" thing was great but it fades once youve been eating nothing but fried chicken for weeks straight and you have to shower in basically a bathroom stall. but i couldnt go home. noo. spent the break in cincinnatti with my mom's side. it was fun. but still. so christmas break arrives, ends, school starts again, same old story. except now im taking more credits and life is quickly getting more daunting. i decide i have to drop choir. very depressing. very difficult. seeing that id been in choir every year since like 6th grade, it had been a part of my life. so it sucked. on the plus side, however, the ratio of sexually suggestive glances i received from guys versus girls diminished rapidly. it lightens up the atmosphere a bit. and yeah. im saying gays make me uncomfortable. at least in close proximity. if im sitting next to a guy and hes obviously flamingly gay, i can't concentrate on anything other than where he's sitting relative to me and how i would avoid giving any single hint of encouragement to his potential "glances" if you will. i was in a cafe down the street and this kind of fat barista is wearing a tight t shirt with a fur-lined hoodie. gaydar goes off. i still need coffee. so i give him the money and as he gives me change and im STILL making a conscious effort to avoid his gaze and just fill my fucking mug, he CUPS my hand in his and puts the coins in my hand. i just left. i just......left. THIS IS WHAT I TRY TO AVOID. WTFUCKING FUCK. this is a memory ive tried to suppress. why im talking about it i have no idea. lets move on.

well its second semester now and thats what i was gonna write about. classes are better and i hate only one of my teachers and its not cuz im doing badly. its cuz shes a complete idiot. im a firm believer in just sucking it up when you get a crappy teacher because 99 times out of 100 theyre great at what they do, you just have to get inside their heads. once you do that and know how to do it, youre set. but ive tried. and this woman is just so dimwitted, slow, boring, inconsistent, messy, unprepared, that i just want to leave the class after 30 second of her talking. i cant get inside her head because shes just SO dimwitted. but anyway.

thats my life story. i would have put my worst days ever, and i do remember them, but i probably would have called a suicide buddy. i can remember best days ever, but thats another post. enjoy, and go do something useful with your time now. i know i wont... seeing as i just wrote about my life story at 2 in the morning.