omg too much spare time

Comparing Highschool to College

I realized that there are a lot of things that never change and a lot of things that do
Here's what I have so far

Highschool: "You know if we started school at 9 instead of 8 everyone would get much better grades, be healthier, and like life a lot more in general" "Oh definitely, all I want is an hour more to sleep"
College: "You know if we started school at 10 instead of 9 everyone would get much better grades, be healthier, and like life a lot more in general" "Oh definitely, all I want is an hour more to sleep"

Highschool: I'm too tired to go to school today. Mom, can you please call them and say I'm sick? I promise it's the last time...
College: *turns off alarm*

Highschool: Parties consist of 20-30 people hanging out at whoever has the biggest house.
College: Parties consist of 200 people crammed into a house not much bigger than my old room.

Highschool: My mom made me a healthy, delicious meal almost every day.
College: Easymac, Redbull, and ketchup are about 80% of my diet.

Highschool: Friending your grade on facebook is normal and even expected
College: "Did you hear about that guy who friended everyone?" "Ya what a creeper"

Highschool: If you're late to class, "I was talking with a teacher" works almost every time. If you forgot to print, "The tech center printer was down" works almost every time. If you don't do your homework, "I'll hand it in by the end of the day" works almost every time.
College: If you're late to class, you miss what you miss. If you forget to print, you get a 0. If you don't do your homework, you get a 0.

Highschool: If your teacher doesn't know your name after the first couple weeks, they get ridiculed.
College: If your teacher knows your name after the first couple weeks, you're that really obnoxious guy who keeps talking every single day in class (even though there are 100 other people) and won't shut up about what he already knows about the subject (like anyone cares). No one likes you. Especially the teacher. I'm talking about you, guy in my philosophy class who keeps mentioning that his dad works for the Human Genome Project and that it's "a very important project that benefits all of mankind."

Highschool: I think I witnessed one or two fights in my entire time in highschool.
College: A surprising number of people carry around brass knuckles and knives, and the University Police report armed robberies and muggings on an almost daily basis.

Highschool: The food sucks.
College: THE FOOD IS AMAZING.

Highschool: There's a creepy kid who no one goes near.
College: There's a creepy kid who no one goes near.

Highschool: The more difficult the class is, the fewer hot girls there are.
College: The more difficult the classis, the fewer hot girls there are. Also, there are no hot girls in engineering, period. Actually that's not true, there are a few, but 2 or 3 out of a 200 person class is still a terrible ratio. I should've done creative writing...

Highschool: The bathrooms are pretty gross sometimes.
College: The bathrooms are ... so terrible.

Highschool: There's that random senior in a sophomore class.
College: There's that random 40 year old in a freshman seminar.

Highschool: Nurse's office gives free bandaids and stuff.
College: The health center gives free condoms.

Highschool: I had no idea who was on the football team or what position they played, but it wasn't a big deal.
College: I still have no idea who's on the football team or what position they play, and I get a lot of shit for it. Like a lot.

Highschool: Dances suck.
College: Dances suck.

Highschool: Binder checks.
College: Ha, right.

Highschool: Movies played in school couldn't be more than PG-13 and usually had to be preapproved.
College: They played I Love You, Man the first week and it made me so happy.

Highschool: Macs everywhere.
College: Only about 10% of people have Macs, and Linux finally has a legit market share.

Highschool: Despite hearing "I won't pay for Starbucks, those overpriced capitalist sellouts" all the time, everyone goes there anyway.
College: Starbucks got kicked off campus.

Highschool: Kids who wanted to get political joined clubs like the Progressive Political Club and Model UN. These clubs were reasonable and usually intelligent.
College: Kids who want to get political insist that everything everyone before them has done is wrong and start groups like "Obama Is Hitler" and the "Socialist Club" and spend hours spouting ridiculous opinions on the street and handing out flyers that no one wants or cares about. My favorite, though, is the group that spent 3 days in the rain displaying huge posters of unborn fetuses in the middle of the most popular quad, trying to convince everyone that abortion is wrong. That's like showing gross pictures of heart surgery and saying "look, heart surgery is wrong!" It makes me appreciate that annoying old highschool rule that all clubs have to have a teacher chaperone so much more.

It's 2 in the Morning and I Still Need to Write My English Essay

Oh good god. I just had a redbull to stay up but I'm not sure if it's a good idea now. I'm buzzed but tired at the same time and I think my writing abilities have sharply dropped. I'm not sure how I'm going to write this English essay but it's due tomorrow morning at 9:30.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I feel so unmotivated and it doesn't help that I'm chilling with friends right now instead of writing. This is ridiculous. OK I'm gonna start writing now. Maybe. Fuck.

future

so i was on facebook and this socialinterview application asked me if I could travel back in time where id go. so i thought about it and this is what i came up with:

1. id definitely see the dinosaurs first. then id see what really killed them because i bet it was awesome. but id have to leave quickly in any situation. since most of them seemed to die quickly...

2. id hijack a ship on the mediterranean and become a pirate.

3. id bring an AK-47 to the revolutionary war.

4. give a wurlitzer to mozart. see what happens.

5. slap marie antoinette hard. in the face.

6. invest in microsoft berkshire and google

7. see (though i think experience is a better word to use) woodstock

8. go on the titanic and push the girl off during the emotional flying scene

9. meet john belluschi, john candy, chris farley, andrew carnegie, jimi hendrix, and a caveman. just to mess with him.

10. kidnap helen of troy a second time and blame it on another country. repeat at least five times. enjoy the confusion and anger that i have unjustly created.

is this in poor taste?

Music moments

i was walking through the rain today and i had my ipod in. suddenly Debussy's "claude de lune" turned on and i felt so much better. about walking in rain. wet. it was fantastic.
but then i got back and realized my socks were wet. moment over.
but speaking of great musical moments, by the end of my life i plan on riding a horse at full speed through the american plains listening to Hoe Down by Aaron Copland, being in an elevator with a hot woman and aerosmith's "love in an elevator" turns on. and i give her a look. and she gives it back. and we have a moment. then we make love in an elevator. thank you steven tyler. and finally, at some point i want to attend a funeral and play dont fear the reaper. i will most definitely be on the cowbell. i should start a funeral performance business...

Who's in college? I'm in college.

I'm officially settled in at college. woot
Everything is fantastic (obviously), especially all the free time. My favorite realization so far, however, is that because there are 15,000 undergraduate girls, I can make 14,999 mistakes and still have options. There are about 180 (maybe?) school days this year, so I can approach and inappropriately hit on approximately 83 girls a day. While this is an ambitious goal, I feel up to the challenge. I encourage you fellow college students to adopt a similar philosophy and spread the love/potential restraining orders.
On a related note, I have an absurdly hot philosophy TA, but I think she's about 27 or 28. Pray for me nightly? Please?
On a completely unrelated note, I've hung a poster of Kurt Cobain rocking out above my bed and I feel instantly inspired each morning.

Fun fact: Yesterday was the first time I met a jerk on campus. He was one of the most socially inept people I've ever met (and I hang out with Dan...). To give you an idea, he tried to get into an argument with me on a Saturday night about how the Java compiler he used was better than mine. Seriously? He made me sad because until then I hadn't met anyone I didn't like. Except the bouncer at that house party. He was a dick. But anyway, I'm genuinely surprised and pleased at how nice everyone is. It's also really funny because every time I mention I'm from New York (which is sort of an anomaly here), people actually ask "How come you're not a jerk?" Is that a compliment or an insult? I'm not sure...

To end on an extremely happy note, the Safeway near me sells "variety packs" that have fruit rollups, gushers, and fruit by the foots in them. Ya.

MORALE BOOSTER

People don't compliment people often enough. so im here to make your day a little more bearable.
When youre walking down the street, feeling like youre just another guy in the crowd, think of this: nobody in that crowd is the exact same height as you. people who are shorter than you are immature, undeveloped, and otherwise incompetent. people who are taller than you are arrogant and unjustifiedly priveleged. now if youre the tallest person in the group, forget what i said. you have dominance. everyone else is your minion because height designates authority. all you have to do in order to feel better is stand in a crowd watching people hustle about listening to yakety sax on your ipod. you are awesome.
when you get to work you head to your cubicle in the corner. the light above it just burnt out. you saw it burn out. that's rare and you are priveleged to have seen such an occurrence. and its one of those flourescent lights. they usually just flicker annoyingly and never go out so its even more impressive. you are so blessed. you sit down at your dimly lit desk and make that promise to yourself that today is different and youre gonna get ahead in life. well guess what junior? today IS different and you ARE. that promotion? a mere breadbasket in a life of waiting treasures. you sit down and get to work. that keyboard has never seen a faster set of strokes. you are the xylophone player in khachaturian's sabre dance and youre not breaking a SWEAT! these powers of productivity will forever be in your posession and you now know how to WIELD THEM
lunch time! The calluses on your fingers are trophies of what will prove to be the pivotal moment in your professional career: your collegues will sit crying at night staring at their feeble and lame fingers while youre doing pinky pushups. but enough of this: you're hungry. now your hunger cannot be satisfied by the mediocre New York street gyro cart. your feeling of famine will not be relieved by a mere McDonalds. you will go to Gordon Ramsey's Paris restaurant, alone, and eat your meal in a serene environment. while you do this, mr. ramsey will come out and tell you what a wonderful cook you are. he can tell talent from a mile away and you EMMINATE the essence of COOK.
after lunch, you return to your office. the light above your desk has somehow come back on but it's flickering really fast. you hate flourescent lights. how the hell do they make bulbs that are burnt out one moment and work the next? if we cant have consistency in this world what CAN we have? you feel like youre in a club under a strobe light, except youre in an office. this will not do. you throw your stapler in the light. no big deal. the shower of glass comes down on your papers. this mess is not acceptable. you want a new office.
you go to your boss's office. you already know his answer but society is only challenging you to see how far you will go to get what you want. you know what? how dare life? how dare it? screw your boss! screw the system! you don't need it! so you attack your boss. you bring some of the glass shards from your now (consistently) dark desktop and jam them into his neck. its nothing personal its just what you want. and you GOT what you want. a new office! your boss's office to be exact. the bloodstains will have to do, you don't mind. the police are here. this is not acceptable. you attack them. unfortunately they have guns and they shoot you down. but this does not stop you! you jump out onto the ledge outside the window to avoid the gunfire. but only to do this though- youre not trying to escape. that would be cowardly. you scoot over to the next room's window. THEYRE ALREADY THERE OH NO you lose your balance and start to fall backward. but you have perfect balance. you catch yourself. but you can't feel your fingers from the calluses and sores on your fingertips and the loss of circulation due to your seventeen (awesome) gunshot wounds to the torso and arms. your forearms are shattered but that doesnt stop you. the nerves in your arms are severed so you cannot therefore tell that youre slipping from the concrete ledge youre holding onto. but you already know this. cuz youre awesome. you pull yourself up but there's a cop already there. he shoots you in the head and you fall off the building. apart from seeing yourself fall to the ground you can't feel anything else. it's okay though because in one day you successfully conquered a crowd, met gordon ramsey, got a promotion, and discovered a faster way to get carpel tunnel. if only everyone was this awesome. oh theres the ground.